There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
