i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We have started to decorate penises.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
