Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
