Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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