he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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