Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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