Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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