Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
