If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
