I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
