im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
