"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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