yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
