im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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