alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize