He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
