new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
