It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
