Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
