If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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