You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize