I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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