I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
