I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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