sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize