wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
