Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
