I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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