Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
babies were throwing up all over the place
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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