I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
