i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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