My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
