i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
