my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize