You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
