Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
