you're like a bully in the Christmas story
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize