after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
