My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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