I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
sarcasm needs its own font
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
