I'm eating all of the evidence.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
