We named our party play list daddy issues
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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