Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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