I wish I could punch you in the face.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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