I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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