Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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