On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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