She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
