All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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