I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
