I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
