return my video game
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
