I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
