Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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