I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
