Screwed.edu
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
